Dear Haters of Cargo Shorts: Suck It

This is an article I wrote for a family friendly site, Fathers Of Multiples. The version there is PG rated. This version…not so much. Enjoy!

 

Ok.

I admit it.

I can sometimes get riled up pretty easily.

Why, you ask? Because, dude, I’m a dad of four and a half year-old twin toddlers, and the founder of a tech startup that after four years, is still trying to get traction. It used to be that my drunk alter ego, Tyrone, would only come out when I was, well, drunk. But because of said toddlers and tech startup crap, Tyrone is pretty much just out.

All the time.

And Tyrone sometimes has to say his piece.

So when Tyrone recently saw an article titled, Cargo shorts are the worst thing a man can wear in the spring and summer — here’s what you should wear instead, over at Business Insider, Tyrone was like, “Awwww hell naw! These non-kids-having fools ain’t gon’ talk $h!t about Tyrone’s go to wardrobe item.”

And because I have young twins, whom I call midget brain cell thieves (I swear I was smarter before I had twins), I don’t have the mental bandwidth to properly tear those cargo-shorts-haters a new one. So, I reached out to a bunch of my dad blogger buddies on Facebook to see what they think.

Below is what some of them said.

 

Dads respond

Spike Zelenka, Fathers Of Multiples:

Who’s hating on cargo shorts? Would I wear them to a wedding? Of course not. Will I wear them pretty much everywhere else? Absolutely! They were designed with twin parenting in mind. Do we have lots of stuff to look after as the father of twins? YES! And there’s a pocket on both sides. Coincidence? I think not!

A practical response by Spike, to which Tyrone replied:

I will wear cargo shorts in a box. I will wear cargo shorts with a fox.

I will wear them here or there. I will wear cargo shorts anywhere!

 

Jeff Tepper, Dallas City Dads Group, in response to a posted photo of my cargo shorts:

 

I think you have the only color I don’t…

 

Bravo, Jeff Tepper. Bravo!

 

Stacey Robinsmith, staceyrobinsmith.com:

 

In the article it says what do you even carry in those pockets – as the dad of twins I carry many items. Including my wallet, mobile phone, mini pack of wipes, bandaids, Neosporin, pocket knife, house/car keys, phone charger, treasures my kids have found during our day together, receipts from the day, pen/pencil, Moleskine notebook … and more.

 

What Stacey said.

 

 

Nicholas Kinkel, Daddy Dink:

Open the article…then look at the pic comparing the chinos to the cargo shorts…why does the chino pic look like shaved chicken legs of maybe even a woman or prepubescent boy, while cargo is a nice hairy man leg with a bit more calf definition?

Judging by their pics, these bad boys don’t belong in chinos!

 

Ahhhhhhh, no comment. I have chicken legs. But yeah, what Nicholas said!

 

Spike Zelenka, again:

And if we judged a woman based on what SHE wore, well, we know what kind of outcome that would bring.

 

True dat.

 

John Cullimore, Chibi Kodama:

Because I have five kids, need pockets, and am a large mammal who needs a breeze. Screw fashion. I want comfort and function!

 

Yes, John, I agree!

 

John Lam:

I keep looking at that side-by-side shot of the cargo vs chino and for the life of me I can’t see whatever it is they see when they look at the cargo side. These guys are assholes.

“If you’re still looking for places to keep extra items, there’s always the possibility of carrying a bag with you.” — I love that their advice is, if you want to carry stuff, carry a bag … you know, instead of using your pockets. Ok.

Definitely assholes, of the non-children-having variety. Which is why they can suck it.

 

David Stanley, Dads Roundtable:

Don’t be a dumbass. Cargo shorts are brilliant. They are the Leatherman-Gerber-Swiss Army multi-tool of men’s clothing. They are the seven iron; the one golf club you always hit well, of men’s wear. They are the late-night-snack bowl of cereal in the closet of every guy.

Genius!

 

Marty Coleman, TheNapkinDad:

As if I would give a s**t about what some random stranger thought about my shorts. I love cargo shorts and that’s that.

 

Well said, Marty!

 

Michael Kennedy:

I pulled a pair out from the bottom of a drawer I haven’t worn in about a year. Found a binky, legos, a five dollar bill and tickets to mini golf in the extra pockets. Father of Three time capsule, I should bronze those bad boys.

 

I looked for bronzed cargo shorts, but this is all I could come up with. Sorry, Michael, I tried.

 

 

 

And for all the cynics in the building, Nick Dawson, offers this assessment:

I’m beginning to think this is really just a bullshit campaign by the textiles industry trying to save money by putting less fabric into men’s shorts, and of course still charge the same price (or more). You cannot convince me that’s not a possibility.

Ha!

 

And finally, I eff-ing love this photo via Aaron Gouveia, Schneider Associates:

 

The #DadLife Cargo Crew at Schneider Associates

 

In summary, here’s what I say to all the cargo shorts haters:

 

 

Yep, that’s a real thing. You can buy it by clicking on the image. I suspect there’s at least one person you’d like to send one of these.

 

Btw, Imma rock my cargo shorts until the damn pockets fall off ’em.

#CargoShortsWearDontCare

#TwinDadLife

 

Sincerely,
Tyrone (James’ drunk alter ego)

 

P.S., because I’m a Parentpreneur and I’m always promoting businesses run by other Parentpreneurs, I used that feature image shirt, which is hella appropriate in this case and is for sale by my buddy’s business, The PopLyfe Shop, which celebrates Fatherhood, and if someone has a problem with that because they think sales is a dirty word, they too can suck it.

 

P.P.S., This is James now. I try to keep Tyrone away from the keyboard and locked away in his cage, but sometimes he gets to the computer when I’m not looking. I assume no responsibility for his behavior.

 

2 thoughts on “Dear Haters of Cargo Shorts: Suck It

  1. I happen to like men in cargo shorts over any other style of shorts. I mean, they’re functional and have a ton of pockets for extras. Why wouldn’t anyone like them? Millennials maybe? I’m with you, Tyrone! 👍🏽

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